Here by popular demand! A page dedicated to the lighter or, as some might describe, the lunatic side of our wondrous pastime.
Not a funny but does anyone know who this is?
Mick has sent this short video in!
CHECK EVERYTHING FOR SAFETY.
Dick has sent this bunch of mishaps in........ click the pennant !
Dick has submitted these thoughts for your pleasure!
REASONS BEING A NORMAN OWNER IS BETTER THAN SEX:
• You don't have to hide your collection of boating magazines.
• Nobody will ever tell you that if you go boating by yourself, you’ll go blind.
• You can have a boating calendar on your wall at the office
• The Ten Commandments don't say anything about boating.
• There are no boating-transmitted diseases.
• Nobody expects you to go boating with the same person for the rest of
your life.·
• Nobody expects you to give up boating if your partner loses interest in it.
• If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of boating, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
• Your partner doesn't get upset and really does forget about people you boated with long ago.
• It's perfectly respectable to go boating with a total stranger.
• When you see a really good boater, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you boating together
Steve's lock experience likely sounds familiar to many of us........
This is a true story and it really happened to us.
Friday 14th August 1998 we arrived in an empty (of boats) Clifton Lock on the River Thames, heading up-river. We stepped out of the boat, holding the ropes, and chatted to the lock keeper. He was just closing the gates when a boat appeared in the distance. “Don’t mind if I open the gates for them, do you”? It was OK with us so he opened them. We’d seen this boat earlier that day and knew it was a hire boat crewed by a bunch of girls, who had, about twenty minutes earlier, asked us directions to Oxford. We were about ½ way up the lock and, as I could see they were coming in my side, I started to walk “Opal” slowly up the lock. They came charging in and the girl on the bow handed her rope to the lock keeper. Put the boat into reverse he yelled at them. The girl at the helm was frantically trying to do something but this boat was not going to stop. The lock keeper couldn’t hold the rope so slung it back to them. By now he had realised that the boat was not going to stop as the girl had turned the engine off. I was now as far up the lock as I could go and waited for the inevitable collision which, when it happened, broke my Z-Drive. “Why did you turn the f***ing engine off” screamed the lock keeper. “Cause the boatyard told us to always switch the engine off in locks” answered the girl. “You bring the f***ing boat to a standstill using the f***ing engine before you switch it off” was the lock keepers sympathetic reply.
Their boat was called “Benson Duchess 3” and they had only just left the Benson Boatyard and were given no lock training at all. Benson Boats went bust shortly afterwards and I was never able to make a claim from them. I managed to do a bodge repair on my Z-Drive and we carried on up-river.
Steve Smyth
Dick posted this on the forum and I rescued it to stay here as reminder as to the infinitely useful disasters tools can provoke !
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a power station 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in
Birmingham, and either breaks or rounds them off.
ANGLE GRINDER:
When used to just take off that tiny burr - effectively turns a perfectly
painted panel into a surface resembling that of 30 grade sandpaper. If a wire
wheel is attached, can also be used by the more
extreme body mutilation aficionados and, for riot control; those sharp little
wires shoot off in every direction and, at amazing speed.
BALL-PEEN HAMMER:
Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in 1602, the
ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been invented.
Now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a universal
centre-punch.
BATTERY HYDROMETER:
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a bike battery to the inside
of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
as you thought.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill
bit.
CIRCLIP PLIERS:
Used to prise the lids off paint tins. Work better, if you snap off those silly
little nibs that fit circlips.
CROWBAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that tiny clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
ELECTRIC DRILL:
Normally used for spinning Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a tool for stirring tea or spreading mayonnaise,
however, used mainly for getting dog-crap off your boot.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to
hit. Also used for bending nails. If used properly, nail will bend, then fire
itself across the room, as it is now useless anyway.
HYDRAULIC JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have restored your brakes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG 4x2:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE:
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.
LEAD-LIGHT:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under
cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 60-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
MOLE WRENCH:
Used to round off bolt heads and to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage.
However, is also capable of causing the prone user to get out from underneath a
car at the speed of light, when the white hot blob of braze won't take on the
exhaust silencer, you were hoping might last another week or two, and eventually
falls on your chest.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
SCREWDRIVER:
Device used for opening beer cans. Also serves as a chisel. Primarily used for
removing excess skin from palm and making random gouges in things.
SILVER SOLDER:
Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, its main
intention is as a replacement for twist-ties. Also used to prove the "no two
snowflakes" theory when melted above finished floors. It has been said that
Pershing used solder to practice bombing raids on
cockroaches.
STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing custom made leather
goods.Also used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.
STAPLING GUN:
Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should never be
used for trying to attach one item to another, as staples are not made in that
size.
SU ADJUSTING SPANNER:
Teeny 1 1/2" long mini-spanner; drop into the inaccessible recesses of your
engine-bay, to simulate that vintage intermittent rattling noise. If you don't
want that vintage sound, it can easily be retrieved, see under two-ton hydraulic
engine hoist.
TIMING LIGHT:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.
TIN SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth-straps and other lines
you may have forgotten to disconnect.
16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A large engine-mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on one end and no handle on the other.
WHITWORTH SPANNERS:
Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
for impersonating that 9/16 or any other you've been searching for the last 15
minutes.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." See also angle
grinder.
CHEMICAL SECTION:
GUNK:
Invented by Forrest Gunk. Gunks' primary component is mayonnaise, but perfume
and lanolin are added to make mechanics hands soft and lovely. Also used for
lubricating pipe fittings, and for getting rags dirty. Do not eat. Once applied
to skin, Gunk never comes off.
IMPACT ADHESIVE:
Used for removing the slots between your fingers.
LACQUER THINNER:
Used to cool skin. Also used to make lacquer useless. This chemical was invented
by E.I. DuPont de NeMours for the purpose of making money. Creative mechanics
often use lacquer thinner to tie-die trousers while wearing them.
MINERAL SPIRITS:
Aka paint thinner, enamel thinner, stuff. Used for wetting metal parts. Also
used for adhering paint brushes to containers. (Note: process takes approx. one
month) This chemical can be used in place of any other chemical with reduced
efficiency.
SILICON WAX:
Used to ensure that paint will never, ever adhere, ever again.
WD40:
Deceptive oil-like substance, for making rusting parts rust faster, but smell
nice.
A tad off subject but an amusing interlude....
Have a listen to this. Those who get a wee bit irked at cold calling will appreciate this. Be advised that the language could be described as ripe!
Mac on the Broads....
I did have one pretty funny incident when
I was on a broads holiday about 4 years ago.
A friend of mine named Jim had come along with me for the week, he had never
been on a boat before. Because of this Jim usually got the job of jumping off
with the ropes when we were mooring up whilst I steered the thing into the
mooring space. On one particular occasion Jim decided that I had been lazy for
far too long and that he now had 2 days of experience and could steer into the
mooring space perfectly. I must agree he did a wonderful job steering, we ended
up perfectly in the mooring space and Jim then jumped off to grab the stern
rope. Trouble is Jim had left the thing slightly in reverse. It was one of those
throttles where neutral wasn't exactly in the centre of the throttle levers arc,
Jim had assumed that dead centre position was neutral. What followed was the
pair of us playing tug of war with a boat that was trying to reverse it's way
back into the centre of the lake. What made it worse was the boat was winning!
Luckily another boater saw what had happened and boarded our boat and knocked it
into neutral. Pretty embarrassing though :)
here's Malc.....
There is a guillotine gate at one end of
Stamp End, my local lock where I live. Although I have been walking past it most
days since 1975, I took no notice as to how it worked etc. until I got my boat.
I saw some people struggling one day, so asked the electrician when he was there
and we were passing on our local dog walk. I got the know the electrician when
he was servicing the electric posts at Bardney Lock, where I moor.
There is a time delay switch on this one, which does trip out on occasion. By
the time the gates and paddles have been checked to make sure they are closed,
it has usually reset itself.
One couple could not make it work, and I was pleased I had asked about it. There
is a laser on both sides to stop it working if a boat has broken the beam. A
swan had SH 1 T on it, and I cleaned it off and it got it working again.
I've just thought, it might be a good idea to carry a dog harness on the boat,
just in case they need to be lifted off. I bought one to use as a restraint in
the back of my old Extra Van. Only tried it once. I fitted a seat belt across
the back, with the harness on a short lead to go around the belt. I thought it
would allow movement, yet make him safer. He turned round and got the belt
around his leg. Luckily I could stop as I suddenly had a yelping frightened dog.
Harbet Jr gives us this.....
We experienced our "funny" incident on
Sunday!! Piled on board the boat (dog with gammy knee and all) and set off with
the intention of going down stream. Pulled out of Jones' boatyard and turned
right where there is a lock immediately. A boat was just coming out so I pulled
over to the side to wait for a minute while they finished off. Mum and dad
hopped off to hold her in for a sec.
The other boat left, I started her up and pulled into the lock.. parents walked
the couple of meters to the lock. Tied up, closed the paddles and dad went to
the guillotine electric gate to start letting the water out. It raised about a
foot and made horrible clicking noises and stopped. So the water rushed out and
we were left jammed in the lock. Couldn't open or close the guillotine gate, or
open the slackers because the water would have just rushed through and not
filled up! Dad rang the EA (while cursing) and they said.. we'll have an
engineer to you as soon as possible.
3/4 of an hour went by and no engineer. So we rang back and it seemed like they
had forgotten about us. So they said they would have him there as soon as
possible.. when dad asked is there no way you can contact the ACTUAL engineer
they said.. "well i suppose we could try" Another 3/4 of an hour went by... Dog
can't get off because she is 7 foot below ground level and mum can't get off
because the dog gets worried and starts whimpering when she does!!
I'm just about to be dispatched back to the boat yard to see if they can carry
more weight with the EA when a little man in his van shows up. "Had the same
problem yesterday.. dunno wots corsing it" he says... flicks a trip switch in a
locked cupboard and its all working again!! 1.5 hours just to flick a switch!!
We declined the offer to go down stream.. don't want to get stranded again.. so
we filled it back up.. backed out and proceeded the other way!
We also asked him why there was no manual override on the gate which as
mentioned somewhere on here can control the guillotine with trillions of turns
on the windlass, to which he replied.. "kids keep playing with it so we have to
lock it away"
Was quite funny afterwards but did waste a good hour and three quarters of an
already short (due to travelling) day! Oh well.. all part of boating fun!!
Boatmad tells of......
My funny incident was a crash course in trailer handling. I'd had my boat for 2weeks and thought I had it all of pat, until the day I launched at the barrage on the river Tees. The slipway is just up river from the barrage and a popular spot for people to watch the water skiers so you usually have an audience. I had launched the boat and left it tied to the jetty while I parked the car and trailer on the short walk back I got chatting to another boat owner as you do when I noticed a lot of people looking at something on the slipway, it was my boat, I'd forgotten to put the drain plug back in and it was half full of water. I just managed to get the trailer back under it before it slipped under, I inched it out of the water slowly to avoid the weight of water bursting the hull, HWMBO asked quite casually if boating was normally this funny. And why is there always an audience when you do things like this
JD relates .......
Mine was of a visit to the Broads on a 'boys' cruise. It was early morning, we had stopped and got newspapers, and now proceeded up the New Cut - a very long straight section of canal. We overtook another cruiser and got well ahead. Whilst at the helm, I was getting bored and started looking at page 3. A few minutes later i heard a thud and was jolted into action after hitting the steel pilings. We had a quick look at the side and there didn't appear to be any damage. After resuming we observed the boat behind do exactly the same thing!! Boy we laughed - what fools!! It was only when they started shouting, and eventually caught us up that they returned to us several fenders that had been ripped off in our collision with the river bank!!!
And Malc speaks thus.....
I'll tell of one I heard that happened
some years ago. A young couple had borrowed their friends boat for the day. At
the time there was a lifting bridge at the start of the Fosdyke, and on this
particularly hot day, it had stuck.
They had not wanted to go downstream because of the locks, however decided to as
upstream was blocked. There were people around Stamp End lock, where one end is
a guillotine, and so had no trouble locking, however the fun began at Bardney.
Following their instructions to the letter, the girl stood holding both the
ropes, but was standing in the middle of the boat. He had opened the paddles and
gates correctly, but while the boat came to no harm in the lock, except for
banging the sides a bit, it floated out of the lock downstream when the lower
gates were opened, with the girl stood on the roof holding both the ropes.
I think another boater went after them and rescued them that way, as I have only
heard this story second or third hand, and it was several years ago,
still....keep the camcorders rolling.